My Need Is Deeper Still
I have deep, deep need. A need that begins and ends with Jesus.
It seems as soon as I realize my neediness, I move into a season acknowledging my need, but I’m unwilling to recognize the depth. Still, God always moves me to places where he shows me my need is deeper still.
My need keeps me in the place of knowing who I am in relation to a steadfast, loving father.
Too often I try to act like these needs don’t exist. Is it just an American thing to think we’re incredibly independent, self sufficient, and keep looking good?
Or is it just a human thing?
Recently a friend of mine said, “I feel like if I had been born in a 3rd world country I would have been better off. I would KNOW how needy and messed up I am, but I’ve grown up my whole life thinking I was okay enough. Not right, but okay enough.”
Okay enough doesn’t make me needy for Jesus.
I sat with my Young Life ladies and asked them, “What prevents you from identifying your need and asking Jesus to enter there? Pride, fear, sadness…”
The group started answering and the common theme among every woman was fear. They were too afraid to see their need, and that resonated with me. I’m too afraid to acknowledge my need, afraid at what’s at the bottom of it, afraid that I can’t manage my need.
When I’m in need then I can’t look like I have it all together and I can’t function under the illusion of being independent, self-sufficient, and in control of my life.
But I’m not any of those things, even when I think I am.
Sometimes I think I walk around in my community with gaping wounds and Spongebob bandaids I've put over them. I go through the motions of healing, but I don't actually practice application. I ignore the gaping holes in my arm, head, and heart and act like nothing's wrong.
But if I never get to see my need for the healer, I'll never be healed. I'll continue to cover my tumors and wounds with Spongebob bandaids and never experience what it's like to NOT have a hole in my hand.
“And as Jesus reclined at table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were reclining with Jesus and his disciples. And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” But when he heard it, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” - Matthew 9:10-13
Jesus doesn’t desire for me to “have it all together”, “fake it until I make it”, and ignore my need. He came because of my need. When I ignore my need, I diminish his redemption in my life.
On two different occasions friends of mine brought up the fact that Jesus lived among the neediest; the tax collectors, prostitutes, fisherman, shepherds, and social outcasts. Why? One of my friends said, “They couldn’t deny their need.” And another said, “They had nothing to lose.”
I think both are true.
The more I acknowledge my need, the more I realize it is the exact place Jesus wants me where I have nothing to lose and can rest fully in him. It’s the "sweet spot" where He desires me and I only have the capacity to cry, “I need you!”
So this is a journey, a journey of my need and how it drives me to my knees. A journey that leads me to confession, repentance, allows me to step into courage, healing, obedience and finally gives me joy of deeper intimacy with my Savior. Intimacy that is always deeper still.
I’m inviting you to embark with me to explore your places of need. They probably look differently than mine, but they’re still there. I invite you to be okay with your need, stop putting a Spongebob bandaid over it, and courageously ask the Lord to reveal those places to you.
Question: What's keeping you from seeing your need?
Prayer: Lord, thank you that you desire me in my deepest need. Keep me in places of deep need and dependence for you. Breakthrough strongholds that keep me from my neediness and experiencing true relationship with you.